It’s been apparent to me for a few months now that the biggest thing I need to accomplish in 2009 is to find myself and my purpose for being. I think it’s a goal that most all of us aspire to at some point in our lives, but for many circumstances dictate that life be lived behind a veil of self preservation. It’s been that way for me for a lot of years now, and only in the past year have things started to change for the better. But it all started with a conscious decision on my part to choose life over self preservation.

One thing I’ve noticed since the beginning of this year, is that confirmation that I’m on the right track has been coming at me fast and furious. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t receive some sort of message from somewhere about speaking your truth, finding your voice, the importance of being yourself. The problem for me was that I had withdrawn so far into myself in an effort to hide the effects of years of emotional abuse and neglect, I didn’t have a clue who I was or what I was meant to be doing with my life. If I’m honest with myself, I still don’t have the full picture, but it gets a little clearer with every layer of protection that is peeled away. I wrote on my personal blog that it’s all a big adventure, and with every new person I come into contact with, and every new experience I have that’s certainly proving to be true.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that as I find more bits and pieces of myself, my creativity is opening up again. It’s always been there, simmering below the surface, but my low self esteem didn’t allow me to share it with anyone. I’ve been finding some great stuff lately that I wrote over the past few years that is actually pretty good. Since I’ve been doing the Wonder Woman Challenge, I’ve been playing with photography and graphics a little more and actually posting it for others to see.

What I’m learning is that I have to absolutely be myself, and that it doesn’t matter how many people like me or what the world at large thinks of me. It becomes more clear to me with each passing day that this process of finding myself, whilst I would like it to be a private thing as befits a true blue introvert like me, is meant to be done in a more public sort of way. And although that takes me a lot further outside my comfort zone than I’ve ever gone before, I’m willing to go there on the off-chance that there’s one person in the world that will find their voice by watching me as I try to find mine.

Something else I’ve learned is that life is too short to spend living anyone else’s truth but your own. You have to love yourself enough to be true to yourself. Anything else is unacceptable.

I’d dearly love to hear your comments.

I had this amazing coaching session with Shileen Nixon this afternoon and the basic message that came out of it was that I really need to learn how to love myself.

We can probably all stand to love ourselves more than we do. If that weren’t the case there wouldn’t be so many people with facing the health issues, especially the self-inflicted ones, as there are. And with all the signs I’ve been given lately about how our emotional state influences our physical one… let’s just say I’m gettin’ a headache from being hit over the head with so much evidence.

It’s even more important for people, women especially, who are coming reclaiming themselves from abusive situations. We have to kinda hit ourselves over the head with the knowledge that we are beautiful and worthy of our own love, because we sure as hell ain’t gonna let no one else hit us over the head for awhile!

Now, me being one who needs step by step instructions, I went and looked around for some concrete steps I could take in addition to the ones Shileen recommended and I found this great video with great suggestions on how to love yourself.

Enjoy!

I’ve been doing some serious clutter clearing over the holidays. In getting myself prepared for the upcoming move, I’ve started thinning out my boxes of paper and research notes that have been stored in the closet. Through looking at old papers, old photos, and other stuff that came from my Dad’s house and has been stored here, I’ve learned a few things about myself.

The best discovery so far is that my little trip down memory lane has given a massive boost to my self esteem. The worst thing about being emotionally abused is the total feeling of self worthlessness that is left even after the abuse stops.

In seeing photos of myself in younger, thinner, and happier versions I realized that I was never as bad as I let my abuser lead me to believe. I also realized that I’ve done some pretty special stuff in my life that not very many other people ever have.

I also realized that I’ve kept way too much junk from my past and if I’m really going to have a fresh start this time around, I am NOT taking it all with me. I’m working on a ration of 3 boxes trash to 1 box keep. And man, is my shredder gonna be working overtime.

The really cool thing is that just as I thought maybe I was on to something special, I found about about Stephanie Bennett Vogt and her book, Your Spacious Self: Clear Your Clutter and Discover Who You Are. Imagine that! I haven’t had a chance to pick up a copy yet, but you can bet it’s moved to the top of my buy list. I really love her definitions of spaciousness and what it feels like that she has posted on her blog. “Getting into a warm bed after taking a hot salt and soda bath” is one that’s sounding really good right about now.

I still have a long ways to go in my decluttering project here. But so far I’m really happy with what I have done and what I have discovered. And I’m really happy I’ve discovered Stephanie’s site in the process.

What are your thoughts on clearing the clutter as a tool for self discovery?